About the Decision Not to Publish my Into Shadow Poetry Chapbook

October 30, 2021

It's the Saturday morning before Halloween—a work weekend. Wanted to pop in and tell you about a project I’m cancelling, but also wish you a safe and fun Samhain however you and yours decide to celebrate.

I mentioned previously I had a list of creative projects I collated during quarantine, along with a pile of things I wanted to do for personal growth. Sometimes, the two (personal growth and creative projects) are often tangled. At least, that’s how it’s been for me.

When I kicked off this year, I pledged to do month-long challenges to keep creating, to push my own boundaries, to grow. I started with an illustrative project I posted on BooksOfM on DeviantArt, with a few personal-to-me illustrations that were Mariana Trench-deep, but mostly sketches and watercolors I wanted to do for whimsy and fun. Following that, I launched a 28-day Into Shadow BooksOfM on Patreon event exploring my personal fears. By the end of that challenge, I recognized I kept pushing myself to do all kinds of challenges because of my fear, not despite it, and the anxiety I felt during the pandemic. Poetry was different and challenging, too, forcing me to focus on select words, when words are the tools I work with most days.

Anyway, as life resumed, I got vaccinated ho-ho, and my two weeks of Spring warmed into Summer (thanks global nicening), I abandoned the challenges as my waves of anxiety began subsiding. Now, several months later, I’m finally able to revisit my To Do list in between paid work and potentially self-published. Recently, I revisited those 28 poems and realized that it doesn’t make sense to revise or put them into a chapbook. Let me walk you through why that is. First, I’d like to share one of the poems.

Lament for an Unknown Author (Who Could Be Me)

wild lilies brush your headstone

caressing your chiseled claim

that you’re beloved and well-known

that words were your claim to fame

who were you nameless writer

what lovely tales did you tell

where is your last typewriter

will we find it in a well

I’m sorry I must atone

I don’t remember your name

your memory is your own

to my great regret and shame

who were you nameless writer

which fables did you retell

did you describe a mitre

or a witch’s wand and spell

was that a soft hiss or moan

I promise I will rename

tomb of the author unknown

to a blessed hall of fame

who were you nameless writer

which stories still echo well

rest your pen oh lost fighter

and sleep where your corpse must dwell

Why did I write THAT poem? The last seven years or so has been, well, interesting. I’m fairly certain you’re smart enough to connect the dots as to why. Even then, that just skims the stormy surface. Still, I’m not embarrassed at all to say that yeah, I had a lot of anxiety about what happened because through and through—I am an artist. The absolute scariest-to-me thought was that I couldn't do the work, my work would be forgotten, or it wouldn’t resonate—a very, very common set of fears.

But also, these are selfish horrors driven by my ego. (Yeah, I do have an ego. Don’t we all?) Then, I had some great-to-me experiences that helped me understand the word “resonate” doesn’t necessarily mean “pop culture” or “millions of dollahs”. I joke privately how my fans (maybe, even some of you) are like Bob Ross enthusiasts—quiet, gentle, appreciative: Three words that don’t really fit our shouting matches online and sometimes off. And, reassuringly so.

Here’s the hard truth: I can’t put this chapbook together, because this poem’s topic is not the only thing I’m no longer afraid of. Offering the collection, in its final form, would be betraying Present Me to remember Past Me. One silly little poem is no longer honest, because I’m no longer afraid of success or failure, of being remembered or being forgotten, of being invisible to my peers or being heralded, of having millions of “followers” or one. I’m just not afraid.

I guess if you’re reading this, wondering what the take-a-way for you is, I’d like to leave you with a final thought. If you read a book, appreciate a piece of art, enjoy a comic, watch a movie, or play a game, considering how powerful your offer of thanks is. It really isn’t easy being an artist in a late stage-capitalist world for many reasons; We just don’t always talk about the reasons why that is. One, little thank you might do for those creators what my fans did for me: Help them recognize that their work does resonate, quietly and gently, for their fans who needed it—so they can keep making art no matter what.

May we all be so well remembered.

Author Edit (3/2024): Eventually, I changed my mind and decided to publish the collection in February 2023. I felt it was an important artifact in my journey as a writer, and one that, ultimately, I am proud of. This collection spurred my first-ever poetry reading, a class of students studying my work, as well as the encouragement of other poets to keep writing and submit. If you’d like to check out the collection, the details are available here: <a href=”https://www.booksofm.com/2023/02/new-release-into-shadow-a-poetic-exploration-of-personal-fears.html”>into shadow: a poetic exploration of personal fears</a>.